Remember when 2009 sucked balls??


I cannot be happier to be moving on from 2009. Hopefully with it will go my hat trick of failure, my general instability, and my codependence.
It can't be all bad though; it sounds cheesy but I learned a hell of a lot. And really, if I had not gone through the trainwreck of a year that I did, I probably wouldn't have grown as much as I have.

I feel refreshed and powerful and clearheaded. I feel confident. I feel like I like who I am, and that I have a lot of skills I wouldn't have ever bothered to attempt to use. It's lame, but I feel like I can do anything. (As a side note, I didn't realize that this is what this post was going to be like because I actually don't feel the happiest right now. But apparently my mood no longer changes who I am. This is pretty cool.)


I can hardly think of how I got here. Can RLS really be what the brainwashing says it is? Or should I better listen to that 4P22 paper I wrote? Either way, I don't think it would've happened if I hadn't attached myself steadfastly to this system.

I could do infomercials for this job. Maybe when I leave it'll all seem like a sham, looking in. But then, would I lose all the great things it's given me?


I think I'm over thinking this right now.

There will be more New Years posts... there are always New Years posts.

I actually think I'm a lot bit broken. And evil. But I guess that's interesting at least...

I think I'm a little bit broken...

I don't know why I can't get back into the groove of being in any way productive. One theory is that it's because I don't get dressed with the intention to leave the building ever. OR I'm just lazy. Either way, I need to start doing stuff. I'm not quite sure what yet... I generally don't WANT to do anything right now. But that would be silly, and I'd regret it.

Things I need to do:
- PowerPoints for leadership
- Apply to Grad School
- RE-hand in SSHRC
- Pick up my references from the CHYS office
- CLEAN MY DAMNED ROOM
- Start thinking about RYN conference workshop!

Those are pretty big deal things for me to do nothing. Grrrr. Why is it so cold and why does Lowenberger have to be disconnected from everything?!

I know, I'm a spoiled whiny brat. But that works for me.

(not really).

It's really strange to look back on the LJ entries of the last year.

For example, my entry on the difference between anxiety and depression... I forgot that I used to feel that way. That clawing, gnawing, desperation that I described about anxiety. I used to feel that way ALWAYS. And it's very strange that it is effectively _all gone_.

Even when I feel anxiety now it doesn't feel so desperate.

It's interesting.

It's also why I've essentially abandoned (for now) my Crazy LJ - my location to document all the secret details of my crazy in order to help claw my way out (probably the reason for the abandonment of this journal). Now I'm having trouble remembering what goes in which.

Maybe it doesn't matter. To a point.

It's 5:45AM and I'm awake.

I also really liked looking back on my sappy post about Grey's Anatomy... I think I'm actually starting to become someone's Favourite Person. Isn't that strange? Really crazy how things change over a year... how I go from a cynical, anxious, angsty girl to a reasonably secure, relationship-ed, calm girl. Who knew. I love that post now. I like the way that sounds. Favourite. Person.

Maybe I actually get all emo sometimes and right now I just forget? Probably, because I do that. But still not to the extent of that one entry. I'm pretty pleased about that actually - I hardly remember feeling that way at all.


Weird.